How's It Going Out There?

I'll tell ya what I think!

Current events breakdown, and what I kind of think is actually going on.

Please note: This is mostly tongue in cheek. Kind of. I mean… it’s got to be, right?

Banking Crisis:

Apparently a tech lender called Silicon Valley Bank got its balance sheet upside-down and it caused a kerfuffle. First of all, I want to state very clearly that I do not, in fact, actually know what a bank balance sheet is, nor am I intimately familiar with what happens when you turn one upside-down. All that said, it’s apparently not good.

What I have managed to discern by speaking briefly with one person in the know, and at length with several people I found shouting antisemitic epithets at rodents by an interstate overpass… treasury bonds caused Peter Thiel to tell everyone to take all there money out of the bank at once in order to avoid a banking problem. Because Peter Thiel is not only rich, but also quite gay, everyone did as he said.

In a completely unpredictable turn of events, apparently this did not help the bank’s balance sheet which got even more upside-down, and now everyone works for First Citizens.

Is this bad? How does this affect me? What happens now? Can this happen to other banks? Is my checking account with $86.72 in it safe? Is First Republic about to fail and go work for First Citizens too?

Go ask the lizard-people overlords, because I don’t know and so can you!

Biden v. Trump

Ah yes, Presidential politics… one of my favorite subjects! This is the realm where Americans from every walk of life gather together in loosely held coalitions to choose one person from among our own ranks to serve one or two 4-year terms as the chief servant of the people!

Having said that, I am starting to think that “every walk of life” might have been taken a little too literally over the last few years. I mean, maybe we shouldn’t let openly corrupt people and trailer meth heads do the picking. (I know, a crazy notion)

Currently the choice we are most likely to have in 2024 is an 80 year old, corrupt, crazily demented ass, who is completely controlled by special interests to the point that he doesn’t do anything more than bobble out on a stage, read what someone wrote for him, and bobble back… and the exact same guy, only orange and more likely to go off script and claim that the Mexicans are eating babies or something.

I hate this timeline. Someone needs to call whoever is running the matrix and tell them to change it back. We are actually going to be stuck having to choose between two octogenarians that virtually nobody wants to be President. It’s as if they let the people in charge of keeping bank balance sheets right side up run the political stuff.

These candidates are idiots, guys. Both of them. And I don’t mean they are idiots compared to other top politicians. I mean they are actually stupid.

Your cousin Melvin… the one with the theories about Atlantis being secretly buried under the Sahara Desert and ruled by 7 foot tall lesbians… he’s a lot smarter than those two, and would make a better President than either one.

I know some of you are waiting for my final article on the JFK assassination, and I am actually working on it… but the fact that neither of these guys has been killed is pretty good evidence that the CIA isn’t in the POTUS killing business, right?

Ukraine

Do you want to know something I understand less than a bank balance sheet? It’s why we are still sending billions of dollars in weapons to The Ukraine. And yes, I still call it the “The Ukraine” because I like watching fully boosted, elite, morons twitch. I also still call the capitol Kiyev too. Why? Because I’ve never heard of Chicken Kiev and I viscerally hate people who unironically say the word ‘Kiev’ as if that’s what we all used to call it. You’re not fooling me! I remember, damnit.

On the same subject, Demi Moore was always pronounced ‘dem-i’ with the emphasis on the ‘dem’. Then one day, about the time she started dating Ashton Kutcher, everyone started saying ‘Dem-eeeeeee’, with the emphasis on the ‘eee’ like a bunch of French assholes, and looking at me like I was some kind of cretin because I didn’t get the “rich lady pronounces her name wrong” memo. But I digress.

Anyway, can anyone please explain to me why there is near universal support among everyone in government for prolonging the idiotic war between Russia and The Ukraine? We all know how this is going to end… Russia is going to get some land and then everyone can go back to quietly hating each other just like before. How does tens of thousands more lives and tens of billions more dollars change that?

Want to know my actual theory? Since the war on terror ended, we have too many military weapons and Raytheon doesn’t want to go through the expense of renting a warehouse to store them all. So we are funding wars between people we don’t really know so that they don’t have to pay for climate controlled units at the U-Haul self storage facility outside of Washington DC. That’s what I think is happening. Prove me wrong.

Tucker Carlson

Full disclosure: I don’t actually watch cable news. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a full episode of Tucker’s show. I catch an occasional clip of his from time to time if someone sends it to me or I’m screwing around on the YouTubes. How do I feel about Tucker? Sometimes I think he’s funny and on occasion, he gets a real story that the rest of the press is ignoring… so that’s interesting. But, honestly, that’s about it.

I am a little curious as to why Fox News would can him. I know there was a big settlement with Dominion over the stolen election nonsense, but Tucker apparently was one of the more credulous hosts regarding that whole thing. So, I don’t know. He obviously pissed someone off.

My guess is that he will get out of his contract and either have an independent show, or perhaps team up with a digital media group and continue on as before, only with more people watching and probably making more money.

As a rule, I don’t spend a lot of time weeping over the employment prospects of shockingly wealthy, famous people. If I were Tucker, I’d probably mount an expedition to find the best fellatio in the Caribbean for at least a year before I even thought about another job. But hey… that’s just me. I can’t imagine why nobody wants to give me a TV show.

Oh yeah… Don Lemon’s black gay ass got fired too. But he deserved it… haha.

Other stuff:

According to the Mensa members who show up on my Twitter feed, the transeses are still acting up. Interestingly enough, I was in a gay bar last weekend and ended up out pretty late with some friends. Not to disappoint anyone, but all I saw were the same old drunk, horny gays I’ve always seen. Not to go all Alex Jones on you, but some of the crap we’ve been hearing might be a psy-op. The inter-dimensional space demons are apparently at it again.

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Bud Light is still losing customers over its giant screw up. They fired the marketing woman and her boss… which should help, I guess. Frankly they should hire me. I’d bring back the frogs and call it a day. I loved those guys… “bud-weis-er”… haha! “Weis” was my favorite.

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Elon Musk took everyone’s blue check mark away… I know this is a little “inside baseball” but in case you aren’t aware, there are a lot of people in Hollywood and in the news biz in New York and DC who base their entire self-worth on their Twitter presence. As incredibly silly and sad as that is, it does make it hilarious that they all refused to pay the $8 Elon wanted to charge them for their verification check mark (which they deeply care about), so he took it away from them and now they are very upset. Some of the silliest among them melted down and it made me chuckle. “People are going to die!”, several of them wailed into the ether. Good times.

I’m sorry Bette… I really do love ya, but this is hilarious

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Crime is still way up in big blue cities. People who don’t live in big blue cities still couldn’t give a damn less.

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And… that’s all I’ve got at the moment. I don’t know about banks. I hate Trump & Biden. The Ukraine war is a giant grift. Tucker will be fine. Don Lemon won’t… and I’m going back to living my life.

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Happy hump day all! God bless!

—Virgil