Peak Stupid

Dumb things I noticed in the news

Horse Worm Joe and His Magic Elixir

This is reportedly a photograph of famed podcaster, comedian, and MMA commentator Joe Rogan. According to CNN, this photo was taken surreptitiously behind his sprawling home in Austin TX, about two weeks ago.

When it was pointed out by Rogan and others that this is, in fact, not a photo of Joe… but instead, a wormy horse… Don Lemon threw a hissy fit and demanded that Sanjay Gupta come on his show and agree with him that the photo is actually of Rogan.

Most people were left confused as to why CNN would double down on such an obvious lie. Meanwhile, Lemon claimed victory. Brian Stelter was overheard in the background snapping his fingers and squealing “Yaaaas Queen!” and “OMG. My ‘wife’ is going to LOVE this story”.

Chris Cuomo wasn’t paying attention. He was too busy laughing at a dog crapping in someone’s yard and telling Anderson Cooper that it “looks like boobs… huh huh”. Anderson was reportedly just muttering something about remembering when he was a real journalist.

Sad.

Fauci, A Man Extremely Satisfied With Himself

Dr. Anthony Fauci had more good news for us last week when he declared that if more people didn’t get fired for refusing to get the vaccine (whether or not they have natural immunity), he’d cancel Christmas and personally go to the North Pole to forcibly shave Santa’s beard and live stream it to group of crying children.

When asked if this was, perhaps, not the best way to convince people to comply, Fauci responded thusly: (In Fauci’s voice)

“I’m going to to say the same thing to you as I did that lab monkey in Wuhan when he mentioned I funded their research…

Shut your little Chinese mouth you motherfucker. Do you know who the fuck I am? I am Anthony Fucking Fauci. You do what the fuck I say do or I’ll rip your worthless guts out and eat them in front of you. You fucking non-entity. You do what Fauci says or Fauci gets 13th century Mongolian on your ass.

Look at my fucking hands!!! My fucking fingers are tingling. I think I like this! Fucking try me you piece of shit. I’m fucking begging you to try me. I’ll make your worthless children orphans and let them live just long enough to tell them that you screamed like a bitch while I took you apart.”

Well, that was unpleasant… Moving on…

Biden Ain’t Looking so Good

Is it just me or are his eyes getting closer together? Is that something that happens? I mean, I know about the ears and that neck skin thing that some guys get, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone’s eyes get closer together.

Huh… The more you know.

The Squad’s Ego Cuts Checks Their Bodies Can’t Cash

Rep. Rashida Talib (D. Palestine) and her fellow squadingtons have threatened Sen. Joe Manchin (D. WV) and Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (D. AZ) that they will hold their breaths until the two Blue Dog Dems give in to their demands for a multi-trillion dollar socialist free for all that’s sure to make Amazon richer and the rest of us poorer.

That’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for them.

When asked about the bill, AOC (D. Short Bus) said that local community colleges would become free. When it was pointed out that you could do that for .02% of the bill’s cost, she called everyone racist. Brian Stelter got all misty eyed. He thought it was at the bravery of it all, but it turns out it was just menses.

Joe Manchin was overheard not giving a shit. Nancy Pelosi was overheard saying a phone call with the Ukraine and a nasty tweet sounds pretty good about now.

Kamala and the Fake Childrens

Vice President and confirmed human, Kamala Harris (D. Skunk Works), decided that she needed to improve her image last week. I really don’t know why… I mean everything has been going so swimmingly for her until now.

Ever since she took command of the border situation, I haven’t seen a single problem there. Certainly nothing that would make AOC fly down there to cry at a fence while wearing a fetching white outfit.

Well okay, maybe not everything is going so well. There’s that thing between France and Australia that caused France to basically declare war on us (Even though ‘Mala hasn’t been to Europe either, so what’s your point?)… The campaign finance stuff… Her personality… The cackle… The fact that her popularity polls slightly lower than COVID-19 and just above homos in the 80’s… In truth, maybe it hasn’t been going all that well.

Well never fear Kamala-bala-ding-dong! Your new publicity director has set you up with an easy photo op. Kids and space exploration… Who could possibly screw up a group of adorable children and learning about space? It’s been done by almost every politician since Eisenhower!

Don’t worry K to the Allah, we won’t make you be around real children. We both know they can’t stand you. We have child actors for you to talk to… after all they are already used and dead inside. One more soul deadening cringefest won’t hurt these little tykes… well, no more than their stage-moms, greedy ass agents, and the diet pills already have.

Here’s a tip. The children are all going to be between about 11 and 13. Try talking to them like they are in kindergarten. Kids love that.

Now put on that hideous suit and go get ‘em!

The Return of the Asshole King

To quote Penn Jillette, back when he was still funny… Then there’s this asshole.

Look, I said I was going to be honest here, and that’s what I’m going to be. The left in this country has gone full speed nutter butter. They literally tried (and in some places succeeded) to cancel the goddamn police. Jesus Harold Tap Dancing Christ on a cracker… How does it help poor crime ridden communities to remove the only defense they have against armed gangs taking over their streets and killing their children? Everybody with two IQ points to rub together knows ‘defund’ is idiotic… and it’s making the left very unpopular.

PLEASE don’t let this dude back on the scene. Just give him some Diet Coke and a Big Mac. Let him sit down in Mar-a-Lago and tell him he’s still President. Maybe the Q-Anon Shaman can go sit next to him. We can tell Trump that dude is the Vice President.

Seriously… ANYONE other than Trump. A demented, corrupt, potted plant, and a woman whose only accomplishment is being less likable than Hillary Clinton beat him last time.

Ron DeSantis wins by double digits, guys. DOUBLE DIGITS. Even if you believe the last election was stolen (it wasn’t), DeSantis isn’t even vulnerable to that. It’s not close.

I’m begging you. I just can’t do it again. Trump isn’t the only person who can trigger the left into destroying themselves. I assure you, Big Ron and his team will piss Joys Behar & Reid off just as bad as the Orange Menace. DeSantis might even make Ted Cruz Attorney General. Think about the freak out then!!!

Thank You!!!!

Thanks so much to all of you who have subscribed and read this first post. I am hopeful that this will be indicative of what I do here. It’s funny, raw, less censored, and more honest (in a satirical way) than what Facebook has been neutered down to.

I don’t plan on making all my posts funny. Some will be thoughtful, some might use other media like video or audio. Some will be long and some short. It all just depends on what I think is worth sharing.

If you enjoyed this, please share it on Twitter or The Facebook or the other platforms that I am blissfully unaware of. Forward the email to friends you think might enjoy it. Like and comment!

God bless each of you and talk to you soon!

—J