Some Things in the News

Jan 26, 2022

I know, I was surprised too. I hate to seem like I’m not with the times, but the last thing I heard about Neil Young was that squabble he had with Lyndyrd Skynyrd.

Well, it turns out that not only is Neil Young not dead, he’s in another squabble. In what would be brilliant guerrilla marketing or just brilliant parody, he issued a letter to the streaming giant Spotify with an ultimatum: Remove Joe Rogan from your platform or lose Neil Young. The only problem is that he was apparently not joking.

Well! I wonder if anyone bothered to ask Stills and Nash if they wanted to be relevant again for almost 20 seconds before the world moves on. Also… I don’t know if they are still alive either, and don’t care enough to look it up.

I have to tell you, this story really makes me happy. There is just nothing better than watching some smelly hippie grow up and become a grumpy old “get off my lawn” bastard. Neil Young played some perfectly fine music, but the fact is that the man has never been right about anything… not even accidentally… not even once.

And now, he takes his frowning, wrinkled, miserable, face and sticks it back into the ether to complain about the biggest podcaster and one of the world’s most famous people interviewing people he doesn’t like. Well… harrumph.

In solidarity, please accept this article as my letter to Substack, stating that me and Art Garfunkel are going to hold our breath until Dave Chappelle apologizes to trans people.

Biden Talks to the Press

Speaking of grumpy old codgers who have no idea that their best days are behind them, President Biden has come to the logical conclusion that the reason his poll numbers are in the tank is because the American people aren’t getting enough Joe Biden. In order to dispel the rumor that he is mentally degraded and a senile old coot, he decided that it would be a good idea to stand in front of the press and yell epithets at them for two hours.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think standing at a podium for two hours and yelling at the press sounds like a perfectly delightful way to spend an afternoon… but then again, I’m not the President of the United States. Furthermore, if the goal is to prove that you are not demented out of your addled head, standing there saying things like “This administration has gotten more done in the first year than any other administration in history” ain’t helpful.

Not for nothing, but the fact that Biden has been completely ineffective and legitimately doesn’t have the pull in his own party to get them to agree on a restaurant for dinner, might be his best attribute as President. I mean if they had actually put up someone competent, we’d have higher taxes, more woke nonsense, and several trillion dollars more in debt by now.

In reality, that grumpy, senile, corrupt, inept old bastard might be my favorite President in history. Nothing makes a libertarian like me happier than a government not doing anything. Someone check and see if old Corn Pop is still around. Maybe those two could have an old bastard rematch out on the lawn of the White House and the winner can try and keep Russia from invading the Ukraine.

The Ukraine

Everyone has lost their minds. We aren’t going to war with Russia. Russia isn’t going to take over the Ukraine… well… Russia might take over the Ukraine… but we aren’t going to war with Russia.

Hey here’s a question, where the hell are those ninnies in Europe during all of this? An aggressive Russia taking over parts of Eastern Europe seems a lot like their problem more than ours. Maybe tell them that they can stop wearing their skinny jeans and riding their unicycles (or whatever the hell they do over there) and fly some of those planes we gave them over to the Ukraine and ask Vlad to go home.

Oh, I’ve got an idea. Let’s ask Neil Young what we should do.

Fauci

So it turns out that diminutive little SOB is everything I said he was from the beginning of this thing. He has lied so much to the American people, I heard Dick Durbin was considering making him an honorary Congressman.

You gotta hand it to him though, he managed to get through that whole torturing puppies thing like a champ.

Democrats are Confused by Crime

Gavin Newsom, out in California… Lori Lightfoot in Chicago… They have all just now noticed that there seems to be a slight uptick in crime in their respective states and cities. More accurately, there are murderous marauding gangs of violent criminals stealing everything that is not literally nailed down… and they are trying to figure out why on earth this is happening.

Meanwhile the Republicans everywhere are laughing their butts off and trying to decide if they should tell them that maybe firing all the police about the same time they taxed everyone who could afford to leave out… could… perhaps… lead to some negative outcomes. Personally, I think they should keep it a secret and let them come to the conclusion on their own. It will be fun to watch.

Glenn Younkin Befuddles Everyone by Doing What he Said

Meanwhile, in Virginia, Glenn Younkin and crew are leaving the morons over at CNN and Northern Virginia liberals scratching their heads by doing exactly what he said he would do.

Says Brian Stelter: “Well this is just a violation of tradition. He’s not supposed to do what he said. What’s next? Is he not going to try and send Virginia down the toilet of modern leftism just to appease a tiny minority of idiots on Twitter? This is all very upsetting.”

Says some wine mom from Falls Church: “This is intolerable. Making masks in schools voluntary means that while I can continue to torture my child because of my own neurotic paranoia over a cold, I am not able to torture other peoples’ children. I don’t even recognize this country anymore. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a kickboxing class followed by margaritas with my book club.”