Virgil Goes for a New Age Schvitz
It's like a spa, but for millennials
“Relaxing”!
I went to this place called Sweathouz. A friend recommended it to me. It’s a modern, urban, infrared sauna with a vitamin C shower… and they have something called a “cold plunge” and a “hydromassage”. It’s all very sophisticated, urban, and something I would normally make a face at… but what the hell, I decided to try something new, and now I get to tell you all about it.
The place is right in the middle of Midtown and kind of a pain to get to because I don’t live in the neighborhood anymore and parking is an ordeal. I pulled in a large garage where the facility has a back entrance with a doorbell. I feel like most people Lime Scooter or eco-bike their way to a place like this, but I drive a car like a normal person, so back door it is for me. I rang the doorbell and waited for the attendant to answer, feeling a little like I was back at that cathouse in Manila.
I got checked in, got my eucalyptus cold face towel thing that smelled a little like Pine-Sol®, and made my way to the little room which contained a private infrared sauna, a shower, different color LED lights, a table with some towels and stuff, and a few signs that told me what to do. It looked clean enough so I thanked the attendant and she closed the sliding door and left. A big clock on the wall started counting down from 60 minutes.
Here’s how it went:
59 mins to go: I texted my friend who recommended the place… “So… am I supposed to get nekkid in here?”
Answer: “LOL! You do you”.
This answer was decidedly unhelpful. I stand there and debate taking my clothes off for a couple of minutes.
56 mins to go: I am now nekkid in the little room and looking around for hidden cameras.
55 mins to go: I place a folded a towel on the bench in the sauna and crank the heat up to max. (I’m no wimp… crank it up!)
54 mins to go: I am now extremely aware that the sliding door to the little suite has no lock on it. Why wouldn’t they have a key fob or a latch or something?
52 mins to go: The front of the sauna has a glass door that shows my reflection a little too clearly for my taste. I don’t love that. Maybe try smelling the Pine-Sol® rag again… Didn’t work.
50 mins to go: I now have convinced myself that the unlocked door will come flying open at any minute with someone shouting at me for being naked. I’m convinced that I am about to be put on some sex offender website. I don’t think I would do well as a sex offender. Ugh… screw it. I’m not putting underwear on now.
49 mins to go: Okay, I try to relax. I have a good sweat going. The place is clean. The attendants are very nice. I’m sure people normally go naked in here… why else would they give you your own little room? Maybe I’ll try meditating.
48 mins to go: I remember that I don’t know how to meditate. Normally I just drink and tell my theories to my plant Chauncey. Now I’m completely sober and I have no idea how to meditate. The Asian spa music is freaking me out. Is that a camera in the corner? Virgil, what the hell are you doing here?
45 mins to go: Okay, I can’t take it anymore. I need my phone so I can look up meditation on the internet and see if I can figure it out on the fly. I quickly grab it and go back into the sauna and google meditation. It auto-corrects to masturbation… which is unhelpful because I already know how to do that.
44 mins to go: I bet a lot of people diddle themselves in here. Gross. Don’t think about that. Back to learning about meditation. Wikipedia… meditation.
40 mins to go: I follow the tips I found online and try my hardest to empty my brain.
Virgil’s Brain:
Hey! Remember that time you made a complete ass out of yourself? Remember what your ex did to you? I wonder if I could kill myself in here? Am I really supposed to be nekkid? Is there a camera in here somewhere? I bet everyone secretly hates me. I should try baking bread sometime. Maybe a cinnamon loaf. It sure is hot in here. I bet I really disappointed my family because I’m gay. I wonder what happens when I die. It’s going to be a bummer if it’s nothing. I bet it’s nothing. I’d rather do the lake of fire than nothing. Think you’d get used to the lake of fire? I bet you would… I mean you can get used to really hot water. They should really put a lock on that door. Maybe sourdough is a better first choice for baking. I’m concerned about the upcoming recession. I hope we can stay busy at work. Nah, sourdough is everywhere. I think I’m going to try a cinnamon loaf.
34 mins to go: Okay, maybe meditating isn’t for me. I’ll lie down on this bench and watch something on YouTube.
30 mins to go: My phone stopped working because it overheated. How many naked asses have been on this bench I am laying on?
Answer: Not zero.
28 mins to go: I sit back up and continue looking at myself in the reflection on the sauna door. I can’t take it anymore and I take a towel and wrap it around me. Take that, secret hidden camera!
25 mins to go: I wonder if my phone is cool enough to work again yet…
24 mins to go: Megyn Kelly’s show is up on YouTube and she is talking to someone about how Trump decided to dine with Kanye West and Nick Fuentes. That seems to have been an unforced error on his part.
23 mins to go: Hallelujah! I figure out how to tap into the bluetooth speakers in the sauna and I can change this damn spa music to Chris Stapleton.
17 mins to go: Broken Halos and You Should Probably Leave later and I set my target at the 15 minute mark to get out of here and try that shower out. I’ve sweated out a lot and I’m starting to get light headed.
15:30 mins to go: Good Lord…. This clock is moving slow. I’m ready to get the hell out of here. My phone overheated again and I need to get out.
15 mins to go: Finally, time for the shower. I open the door and am immediately hit by pleasant cool air. That’s delightful, actually.
13 mins to go: I figured out the rain shower head and the dials and get the water to a decent temperature.
12 mins to go: These people are full of shit, man. I don’t think there is any Vitamin C in this shower. It’s just a regular shower.
11 mins to go: I bet a lot of people pee in here. I should really be wearing shower shoes.
10 mins to go: 🎶Shampoo shampoo, I like to shampoo… loo lee loo… Shaaaaaaaam-poooooooo!🎶
8 mins to go: Okay, now I’m just killing time. How long am I supposed to stay in this stupid shower? I’ll take my time drying off and getting dressed, but I have a shower at home.
4 mins to go: All dry and dressed again. Pile up the towels for the attendant and call it a win. Slide open that uncomfortably unlocked door and head up front to check out while trying to convince myself that I now feel relaxed.
1 min to go: Get talked into buying 5 more sessions because I apparently need to practice sitting alone in a hot box.
Aftermath:
I gave the woman my credit card number and bought five future sessions and headed to the weird back door that reminded me of a Filipino cathouse and tried to figure out if I was relaxed or freaked the hell out. I texted my friend and let him know I survived it and drove home.
I am definitely going to go back and give it another try, but I think I need to prepare a playlist or find something on Netflix to watch while I’m in there…
Ugh… maybe it’s time to try therapy again. I’ll talk to Chauncey about it tonight.
Non Sequitur
So… there’s this dude named Sam Brinton. Sam is a mentally ill person who dresses like this.
Because we live in clown world now, apparently showing up to work looking like someone who just got kicked out of a BDSM orgy for being too kinky isn’t a good reason not to get appointed as the Deputy Assistant Secretary for Spent Fuel and Waste Disposition for the Biden administration. That’s right boys and girls… that person is a Presidential appointee in charge of nuclear waste. I feel safe.
If only there had been some subtle clue that Sam wasn’t quite right in the head…
If only…
—Virgil
Hi everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and are gearing up for Christmas / Hanukkah / whatever you and your family do!
—V
Skip that sourdough nonsense and make a cinnamon bread. Supposedly growing a sourdough starter is easy, but I dunno seems way harder than adding a scoop or three of yeast to your dough... Back on target, cinnamon bread is pretty good, but a real good time, babka. As Jerry Seinfeld said, "Cinnamon babka takes a back seat to no babka." Or something like that...