Yep. I watched 'Lady Ballers'

I really wanted to love it...

The Daily Wire made a comedy. It wasn’t very good.

In case you didn’t know, the conservative media company, The Daily Wire, made their first entrance into the adult comedy world with their original movie ‘Lady Ballers’.

The result was a semi-funny, overly political, disjointed story that left me a little confused at what the hell I had just watched. I get that the reviews are good. I know that there are some Gen Zers who have no idea what good comedy is and definitely don’t know what good story telling is. Some might claim that I’m just an old Gen Xer and simply don’t get it…

I hate to disappoint, but the fact is that I get what the Daily Wire is trying to do. I get the jokes. I support the message. I just think they missed.

Here’s the truth. I really wanted to like this movie. I was excited when I saw the trailer and thought that this was going to be a lot of fun… and if it makes insufferable ivory tower Twitter liberals upset, all the better. Unfortunately, the movie didn’t really deliver for me… and I’ve spent the last day or so thinking about why.

Arthurian Stories

Many of the greatest stories ever told are Arthurian, meaning from King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. Arthurian tales are a basic story structure that are used to tell about adventure, sports, war, and even sophomoric guy comedies. The gist is pretty simple… a great king and his plucky band of confederates set forth on a holy quest into the unknown to slay a dragon and find the Holy Grail. They find hardship and adversity along the way. A great sacrifice is made. Betrayal happens, then redemption. The heroes are almost defeated by the dragon, but are ultimately victorious and are presented with the Grail which brings everlasting life. They leave with a bond that can never be broken.

That is the story of Indiana Jones and Henry V. It is the story of Band of Brothers and Lord of the Rings. It is Star Wars and Saving Private Ryan. In essence, every great halftime speech in every great sports movie is the same as Hal’s St. Crispin’s Day speech at the battle of Agincourt in Henry V… and those are all essentially the story of the most noble king rallying his band of the greatest warriors and greatest friends into the largest battle in history against the armies of the Devil himself, and emerging victorious.

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he today that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

Henry V - Shakespeare

Arthurian stories are even the basis of silly comedies like the 1999 hit, American Pie. In that case King Arthur’s character was Jason Biggs as Jim, and his friends were his knights. They set out into the world on a quest to slay the dragon of their virginity and possess the Holy Grail of adulthood… manhood. Brotherhood, adventure, adversity, near defeat, and ultimate victory are not just a great story, they are possibly the greatest story. In a comedy, it’s extremely effective as a storytelling structure, and there is plenty of room for absurdity and hilarity to ensue.

I give you… King Arthur, King of all the Britons!

It is also worth noting that Arthurian stories are masculine stories. Deep within the male psyche is a desire to go on an adventure with your buddies and find fortune and glory and maybe get laid. That is not to say that women can’t or don’t enjoy such stories, many do. That said, the fact remains that the audiences for these types of stories are statistically young men.

Stories made for the feminine tend to have more to do with relationships such as escaping an abusive situation, finding true love, being pursued by multiple suitors and choosing the one most pure of heart, solving a mystery, and/or mothering (meaning to care for, raise, and protect something or someone). Cinderella is a good example of this, as are most romantic comedies, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, Beauty and the Beast, and Murder, She Wrote.

I say all that, just as an aside. Many of the world’s greatest stories are not Arthurian. Many are more feminine, and I love them… but ‘Lady Ballers’ was pitched as a particular kind of story, so I have to judge it on what it purports to be. Maybe it’s something else entirely… and if that’s the case, either I’m way off base or they missed that too. Sorry… not sorry.

Why does Lady Ballers fail? (Spoilers start now)

Much to my disappointment, I think the movie fails on several levels. The trailer is a Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story old school style comedy. It promises that a lovable band of losers will come together under a strong leader to achieve a goal. In ‘Lady Ballers’ heroes want to be great athletes and relive past glory, and that’s a fine goal.

The comedy is that in our crazy modern world, men are now allowed to play in women’s sports leagues… if they claim they are transgender. So, in order to find their Grail our lovable losers will dress in ridiculous drag, have all kinds of hijinks, and dominate women’s sports. Again, this is an hilarious idea. It is shockingly irreverent and politically incorrect… perfect for the Daily Wire and a great set up for a super funny movie.

Unfortunately, the problems in the movie start right at the beginning. In the first scene we open to a flashback. It’s 2008, and our plucky band of brothers is behind by a 10 points in a state championship basketball game. Coach Rob (Jeremy Boreing) gives our heroes a comedic parody of a classic sports movie halftime pep talk. It’s funny and works well and the guys beat up on the towel boy and throw him in a locker, which is reminiscent of older comedies and very funny.

Following the pep talk, the team goes out and … wins the game?

Wait, they won? Coach Rob holds a giant trophy, makes out with his beautiful wife, and the team celebrates their victory?

Well… that’s a choice. Not a funny choice or good for the story… but a choice nonetheless, I guess. I mean, they could have lost the game and used that as a reason their lives are all terrible now… but okay, not my movie. I’ll roll with it.

Fast forward to 15 years later and we are reintroduced to our plucky band of lovable losers. The only problem is that while they certainly are losers, they aren’t particularly lovable in any discernible way. I can’t overstate how important the ‘lovable’ part of ‘lovable loser’ is if you want the audience to root for them.

For example, in Dodgeball: An Underdog Story, we meet Vince Vaughn as the relatable and likable owner of Average Joe’s gym. His confederates include Pirate Steve, an hilarious eccentric, the adorable high school nerd with a heart of gold played by Justin Long, the hot but lovable lawyer played by Christine Taylor, Rip Torn as the insane coach, Stephen Root as… Stephen Root, and several others. All of them are relatable in one way or another and genuinely likable. Hell, I’d hang out with any one of them for an evening… especially Pirate Steve.

‘Lady Ballers’ chooses to go in a different direction. There’s Coach Rob, who 15 years after his great victory is now divorced and still coaching high school basketball, except now he’s lost all his charisma and ability to motivate kids… which the movie chooses to blame on the kids. There are the two half brothers who constantly bicker and fight and are now sleazy used car salesmen with some kind of weird hook up room in the back of their office that is never explained. There’s the good looking former team captain that the coach finds already dressing in drag at some strange gay bar, even though he isn’t gay… somehow. The former towel boy has now become a creepy millionaire doing a knock off Zach Galifianakis from Dinner with the Schmucks who loves cats, right up until he’s asked to join the team and then hates cats. That’s never explained or explored.

Finally our motley crew of heroes is rounded out with a random tall guy who seems to be the only member of the group with any athletic ability. Hear me out here because you are going to think I’m joking, but I’m not. Apparently, the best player on the high school basketball team went on to play in college, lost a game to a team with a badger mascot… and became a mountain man / serial killer who hates badgers… as you do.

If you are looking for more out of me, I’m sorry to tell you that I don’t have it. He was a basketball player. When we meet him next he is filthy, living in a hut in the woods, surrounded by and covered in the carcasses of dead badgers and has some sort of a weird sex slave tied up in his cellar wearing a badger mascot head. This is not explored in the movie. It is never resolved. We don’t know what became of the sex slave in the cellar. We don’t know if he ever returned to the woods. It’s just a weird acid trip, right in the middle of what is supposed to be a sophomoric buddy comedy. Again… choices.

Well, we are about a third of the way through the movie and act one is complete. The plucky band of confederates is assembled, the plan has been accepted, and it’s time to head off on the quest and slay that dragon and find that Grail, but there’s another problem.

We don’t really know what the Grail is… or what the dragon is. There are simply no stakes. They want to play women’s sports. Apparently there’s money in that, although the only prize that’s ever discussed is a $5,000 prize that Coach Rob and the good looking, confused, “straight” guy already won in the first 20 minutes of the movie. Further, one of the members of the group is already rich. So again… what are the stakes? Why do I care about any of this? It’s the storyteller’s job to tell me, and so far it is decidedly vague. All we have is a bunch of pretty unlikable losers dressing up as women to dominate women’s sports… for no discernible reason.

Finally, we start getting to the funny. The fact is that a man in a dress is funny. A man pretending to be a woman and dominating a female sport is funny. We are treated to a lot of those scenes from running track to javelin to wrestling to swimming. It’s funny… and you can see most of it right in the trailer.

These scenes are well done. The actors are good. There are hilarious moments, and if this were a sketch comedy skit, it would be gold. Unfortunately it’s not a sketch comedy skit. It’s a full length movie… and unlike sketch comedy skits, movies are supposed to have stories that make sense and characters we care about.

As we enter act three, conflict arises. Coach Rob and one or two others start feeling bad about beating up girls. The group finds itself in some kind of lady basketball tournament… don’t ask which one. It’s not college or professional so… yeah.

Anyway, long story short the group starts to feel bad for beating up on all the girls. Again, this is another story telling problem. We have been conditioned to believe they are slaying the dragon by doing this… but now they inject morality that makes what they are doing wrong. This is decidedly unfunny, confusing, and annoying.

In the final showdown the opposing team’s coach finally wises up and decides to bring in a bunch of big black men as the opposing basketball team and call them women too. But they aren’t in drag.

For whatever reason the makers of this movie decided that the big game shouldn’t be played between our ‘lovable’ Lady Ballers and a team of giant black basketball players also dressed like girls. Nope! It’s just a bunch of giant black male basketball players. Which… ugh… Those aren’t the rules you set for the damn movie! They aren’t saying they are trans! Ugh… whatever… anyway:

The big black men beat the hell out of our heroes for the first half of the game. A woman gets pregnant at halftime for some reason and Coach Rob restates his speech from 15 years ago, pretty much word for word.

At the crescendo, in the second half of the game, our heroes decide to make little girls play in their stead against the big black men. The big black men are decidedly kinder to the little girls than our heroes were, but they beat them handily… with the final score showing fewer baskets for our heroes than we witnessed them scoring. (Come on guys… this is basic continuity stuff here)

Apparently, somewhere a lesson is learned. Please don’t ask me what it is or who learned it. I certainly didn’t learn anything.

In the final scene, the used car lot has been purchased by the former towel boy / millionaire / store-brand Zach Galifianakis… who says he’s going to sell it from out beneath his teammates who operate it, leaving them destitute. The good looking, confused, definitely not gay guy is all kinds of super straight now and not confused at all. Coach Rob is back with his ex-wife and we still don’t have any idea why they broke up or why they got back together… And I don’t remember what happened to the tall serial killer or his victim in the cellar. I guess they are… fine now?

The problem with men in women’s sports is not solved, nobody made any money, the team lost the game, and in the end… I couldn’t give a shit less.

So that’s the story.

Pros and Cons

Look, the movie had its ups and downs. The cameos by the Daily Wire folks and Ted Cruz and a few others were genuinely funny. Matt Walsh’s character as an uber-inclusive hippie liberal was hilarious. Michael Knowles as the reporter was great. The over the top scenes where the guys beat the hell out of girls were fabulously funny, and pointing out the ridiculousness of men competing in women’s sports is a super-edgy premise and worked at times.

The problem came in the story telling and character development. It felt like they were trying to make a political argument instead of doing what they should have been doing… using a controversial truth (trans-women are not women) to make a funny movie.

At several points I felt like I was being lectured to instead of being entertained. It often felt more like a right wing version of some Hannah Gadsby stand-up special than BASEketball.

The movie is not without its high points and is actually hilarious in moments. It was a first attempt at doing something different, and I applaud the effort and the goal. I love the Daily Wire guys and I support what they are doing with the culture. I just hope they let Klavan write the next one… they need someone who knows how to tell a joke and a story.

Anyway, that’s my take! Check it out if you haven’t already, support our allies in the culture war, and let me know if you think I’m off base.

God bless!

—Virgil