A Ladyboy Ruins Beer

Nothing bad can come of this... I'm sure of it.

—Part 1— Faust

Once upon a time there was this gay guy named Dylan. He was an aspiring singer and actor who got on Price is Right one time and then moved to New York to try for the big stage… Broadway! He landed several parts in off Broadway shows and then even got a supporting role as Elder White in the hit show, Book of Mormon.

It was a nice little career he had going. He was in New York City, working in the trade that he enjoyed, and seemed to be making a living doing it. Frankly, with a relatively strong social media following and some talent, he was doing better than the vast majority of young people who follow the same path.

Like most actors, Dylan wanted more. He wanted the limelight and all that came with it. He wanted fame and controversy and cocktail parties with wealthy and beautiful people who are too full of themselves to get their own coffee from Starbucks.

“Why? Oh, why can’t I have all the news channels talking about me?” He said. “Why am I cursed to be a middle of the road gay actor with a bunch of other anonymous gay actors who nobody really cares about?”

Then one day, while Dylan was sitting in his apartment cruising Grindr for “generous older men” to buy him that new coat he saw at Bloomingdales, a purple fog appeared in front of him. Through the fog appeared a small, wrinkled, demon who introduced himself as the Devil.

“That’s strange” said Dylan flirtatiously. “So… are you going to take me to Bloomingdales?”

“God no, and put that thing away” said the Devil. “I’ve decided to make you an offer. In return for your soul, I’ll give you fame and fortune and all the attention anyone could ever ask for.”

“Yaaas kween!” Dylan shrieked.

“I said put that thing away, damnit!” the Devil said. “In return, I simply require your soul.”

Dylan frowned, put that thing away as requested, and said, “Ya sure. You can have that. I don’t use it anyway.”

The Devil saw the soul, frowned a bit because it wasn’t much of one, then put it in his pocket. “It’s not much of a soul, but I guess I can make use of it. Just do what you normally do. All your dreams are about to come true.”

Then, as quickly as he showed up, he was gone. Dylan, because he is a moron, didn’t think much of it and went back to cruising the internet for rich old men.

—Part 2— A dingbat in the park

Not long after the encounter with the Devil, Dylan decided to make a “funny” video.

It wasn’t the least funny sketch in the world. Basically it was just a Kids in the Hall rip off of a guy, dressed as a girl, and acting like a dingbat.

Because nobody on social media has ever heard of anything that happened before 2010, Dylan went viral on The YouTubes, Instacart, Snap Funt, Tick Tack, and other sites. I guess they thought a gay actor acting like an over the top stereotype for laughs was really transgressive. I couldn’t roll my eyes any harder. For comparison, the below video was made over 30 years ago. Scott Thompson was decidedly not invited to the White House for it.

Next they’ll tell us that British pop stars will start wearing women’s clothing! Can you imagine? How incredibly groundbreaking would that be?

That’s Harry Styles on the left in 2020, and Boy George in 1984 on the right for those of you in Rio Linda

But I digress… As for our young protagonist Dylan, he immediately capitalized on an ironic twist. You see, the transeses in today’s culture don’t have a sense of humor. They really only have two categories for something like Dylan’s video… It’s either empowering and brave or offensive. It can’t just be kind of funny. That doesn’t exist in their world. Beautiful and brave or genocide, there is no in-between. Luckily for Dylan, and probably with a little help from his Faustian bargain, the blue haired troony freaks decided it was empowering.

—Part 4— Dylan goes full r*tard

In the months that followed the park video going viral, Dylan decided to dedicate himself to his craft with Daniel Day Lewis like method acting. He fully committed to his character with such gusto that Dylan the semi-successful gay actor simply fell away and was replaced by Dylan the superstar dingbat woman.

It’s important to note though, that Dylan is not a dingbat woman. He knows this, as do you and everyone else. But because modern society is collapsing and sex categories, sexual orientation, and even the English language don’t mean anything anymore, many people pretend to believe that Dylan is a trans lady, and not a gay guy playing a part.

There in lies the problem. By the transeses elevating Dylan to one of their spokestheys, they now are stuck with a clown who isn’t trans, doesn’t really know or care about the politics of it, leading their movement. Dylan made a simple deal, one soul for a lot of money and fame. Those were the terms… it had nothing to do with being helpful to anyone, anywhere, ever.

Don’t believe me? Well check out the photo below of Dylan sitting with the President of the United States and talking about “LGBT” issues. You tell me, is there a serious person anywhere in that photograph? I argue there is not.

On the left is a gay guy in drag who is realizing he probably shouldn’t be there. On the right is a potted house plant.

As an aside… I can’t begin to tell you how happy I am that Dylan the drag queen is representing LGBT issues at the White House. Maybe next week we can get Jimmy Kimmel in blackface to show up and talk about African American issues.

—Part 5— Corporate America Jumps the Shark

If I were to ask you who were the dumbest, most out of touch, bobble-headed fart sniffers in the entire country, who would you pick?

You might say Hollywood actors — So 2017.

You might say Politicians — Wrong again.

You might say news media types — And once again, you’d be wrong.

The dumbest, most out of touch, cowardly, and completely soulless people on earth are the HR executives and marketing directors at giant corporations.

These are the geniuses that gave you the Gillette “all men are terrible” commercial and the Nike “we hate America while making shoes with slave labor” ads. They are the people at Coca-Cola who made their employees go to “white people suck” meetings and the fine folks at BlackRock that take kickbacks for investing other people’s money in woke companies that don’t make profits.

If I live a million years and gain all the knowledge and wisdom there is to gain, I still won’t be able to understand what went through Disney’s head when they let their executive get on the internet and tell parents they were putting gay subliminal messages in their family friendly content. I mean, I get it, Disney is huge and is very unlikely to fail… but why in blue f**k would they want to stick a finger in the eye of their customer base? What on earth does that accomplish?

The answer is nothing. It accomplishes nothing, beyond giving the executives something to crow about when they attend fancy dinners with other bobble-headed idiots to bitch about conservatives.

So I guess it’s no surprise that the next step for our hero Dylan would be to sell himself completely to any corporation dumb enough to buy him, and many companies have. Mostly it has been companies that a spokesthem like this won’t hurt too bad. It’s make-up companies or sports bra folks. I read somewhere that Kate Spade partnered with him. Fair enough, I guess. Get while the getting is good.

But then Bud Light, in their marketing executive’s infallible wisdom, decided that they too should have a spokesthey. You know… Bud Light. My dad drinks Bud Light (or used to). Bud Light is the beer you buy a case of to put in a communal cooler at a pool party with folks you don’t really know all that well and don’t want to buy good beer for. It’s college dude beer, or construction worker beer. It’s definitely man beer.

Do you want to know what Bud Light is not? It is not progressive, high brow, “trans the kids”, let’s get Kamala Harris elected beer. That’s not who buys it, that’s not who drinks it.

So what did our friends over at Anheuser-Busch do about the problem? They partnered with Dylan Mulvaney, of course. Why? Because the moron who makes the decisions over there has never met anyone who actually drinks their product. Want proof? Here’s her reaction to the backlash…

Look… Bud Light has been in decline since craft beer started hitting the scene in the US almost 20 years ago. It’s not declining because, as this idiot puts it, “it has a fratty, out of touch image”. It has been declining because it’s just not a very good beer compared to other beers on the market today. But some people still like it. Who are those people? Well they aren’t Dylan Mulvaney fans… I can tell you that.

Oh… one other thing about Bud Light. It’s not like there aren’t other options out there. Miller Lite tastes exactly the same, as does Coors Light. Hell, we might even get some of those guys out there to try some of the great craft pilsners that have hit the market over the last couple of decades. But either way, unlike BlackRock, who the general public already hates and has exactly zero influence with, Bud Light is in trouble. The backlash has been swift and severe. Sales have plummeted and I don’t see that idiot woman’s response helping the situation.

So well done to Bud Light. Personally I hope you go out of business all together. Having said that, based on that idiot marketing VP’s logic, it won’t be because she and her spokesthem Dylan murdered the brand like it founded Cash App… It will be because they weren’t woke enough. Womp womp.

—Part 6— What’s next for Dylan?

Hey there pretty lady.

It’s hard to say what’s next for our hero Dylan. If I had to guess, he’ll ride this train as long as he can until he becomes yesterday’s news, declares himself “nonbinary” and can incrementally go back to being a guy. Or maybe he’ll decide to stay in character forever like a woke Larry the Cable Guy or Andrew Dice Clay.

Either way, he sold his soul for a moment in the sun. He received his moment and got rich and famous. That brings us up to the present in our little story, and the future isn’t written yet. Maybe I should pull out my old copy of Faust and see what happens next. I don’t remember, was it a happy ending?

Non Sequitur

On a goof, I drank a few beers and watched a commercial for a Tucker Carlson “documentary” and added some commentary, Mystery Science Theater 3000 style. It’s more entertaining than Dylan by a good bit. Enjoy!

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Happy Tuesday all! I’ve been writing a lot and not publishing much… but I’m back for a while! I hope everyone is well. As usual, Like and Share!!!!

Love ya’ll!

—Virgil.